Breastfeeding is Amazing Birth Control

Wait?  What did that title say?

Breastfeeding is amazing birth control.  This may be a shocker to you (it was to me), but this is a true statement for more people than you may think.  Me, being one of them.  I wanted to share my journey to discovering this hidden truth because the road was pretty bumpy for me.  I'm hoping I can spare someone the emotional roller coaster it took to get here.

Adulthood has been filled with discovery, the biggest one being that the ideal images of my future life that I dreamt up when I was younger, often just aren't reality.  Here's my reality. I will never be able to be pregnant and breastfeed.  I will never breastfeed through a pregnancy.  Tandem nursing is not in the cards for me (unless I have twins). My body simply refuses to lactate and prepare itself for pregnancy at the same time.  I'm not sure if the energy burden is too much or if my body was simply programmed not to ovulate or allow an embryo to implant until I have weaned my previous child.  Why, I don't know.  But the facts remain.

In medical school, I was taught that breastfeeding is one of the least effective methods of birth control. The minute you stop feeding your infant throughout the night and all through the day, it becomes an even less reliable form.  But be advised, once you start table food, you better have another method handy because breastfeeding is pretty much useless as a pregnancy prevention.  My OB even personally warned me of this, telling me that she herself conceived her second baby accidentally when her first was 7 months old because she didn't heed the well-known warnings and used breastfeeding as her only birth control.  We've all heard these stories.  I don't need to detail that some women can and do get pregnant while breastfeeding.  I think this concept gets plenty of attention.  If you don't believe me Google: pregnancy and breastfeeding.  You'll easily find articles on breastfeeding failing women as birth control.

What you won't find unless you dig and what I feel doesn't get enough attention, is the other side of the coin.  I feel that, in general, our country is often most focused on pregnancy prevention. To the point that trying to conceive (TTC) is minimized and overlooked.  Our first baby was conceived easily so I've never seen the other side either until now.  I realize from personal experience that all the attention given to prevention makes those of us having trouble conceiving feel like outsiders, as if something is wrong with us.  Facts are often hard to find and we're reduced to searching message boards where women vent their own frustrations (which has its place but is an inadequate replacement for reliable scientific facts).

My husband and I have always wanted our children to be close in age.  My husband wanted this because his sister is 18 months his elder and I wanted it because my brother was 7 years my elder.  Growing up, my husband and his sister were close friends while I often felt like I was an only child or lived with an uncle (by no fault of my brother; the age gap was just enormous.  He made plenty of attempts to reach across, but he graduated high school when I was in the fourth grade so... as you can imagine, we were in completely different stages for a long time).

 Because of this desire to have a sibling near Liam in age, we started TTC before he was even 12 months old.  I knew I didn't want to wean him at that point because I wanted to breastfeed until at least 12 months.  My plan was to let him wean himself after that point.

During the first few months of TTC, I started noticing that my cycles had gotten longer than before I had had Liam.  At first, I gave this no thought other than that it made the months of waiting stretch even longer.  I was having periods so I assumed I must be fertile.

By the time Liam was 12 months old, I stopped pumping during the day and we went to only nursing in the evening after work, before bed, and in the morning.  Still no luck getting pregnant.  I started thinking maybe that two evening feeds so close together were reducing my fertility so we cut back the next month to only nursing in the morning and at night.  I still sent breast milk with him to daycare (we had quite a stock in the freezer that I figured we might as well use that up).  It was a good compromise.  My baby was still getting breast milk three times a day and hopefully my cycles would adjust and we could conceive.

Still no luck so I started researching.  I found all sorts of articles on women getting pregnant while breastfeeding.  People telling their ooey gooey stories of tandem nursing and how wonderful it is and how people shouldn't judge them.  Trust me, I wasn't judging. I wanted to be there with them. I was actually starting to freak out that something was wrong with me.  5 months of trying to get pregnant and all we'd had was a chemical pregnancy.  And instead of regulating themselves, my cycles just seemed to get longer and longer each month.

At this point, Liam was 14 months old and showing no signs of desire to wean.  After a lot of discussion with my husband, we decided that maybe since I had lost so much weight from nursing that my body couldn't handle a pregnancy on top of lactating and that we'd cut Liam's feeds back by one each month.

We decided this together but I was hesitant.  My attachment to nursing my baby boy was obviously more emotional and less rational than my husband's view.  What we decided made sense but I still hesitated.  I figured I'd do some reading and find something to back our theory up and then I'd be good to go.  Plus, surely I'd get pregnant when we cut back to once a day feeding, and Liam could then wean himself from there.  At least I'd have my night time bonding and cuddling with him.  That was the most special time in my eyes anyway.

I did a lot of research.  The vocal, well-broadcasted answer to my question:  "Do I need to wean to get pregnant?" was clearly stated as "No" and sometimes as "Most likely not."  And everything I read said structured feeds that are limited to the daytime only are least likely to interfere with your fertility. I also unfortunately found out that a myriad of women online bash women who consider weaning one child in hopes of having another.  Calling such Moms selfish.  I was obviously even more of an emotional wreck after researching and was still wavering back and forth in our decision.

Then I finally came across something I could hold on to.  Despite this article sending the same message that stopping breastfeeding is probably not necessary to get pregnant, I found something useful in the article Breastfeeding and Fertility by Kelly Mom. It stated that several studies have shown that there is an intermediate stage between menstruation resuming and full fertility.  It is a stage in which you have ovulation without luteal competency.  In other words, the uterine lining is inadequately prepared for the fertilized egg and it fails to implant.  This really spoke to me because it is what we believed occurred with our miscarriage.  My pregnancy tests were lightly positive then faded away instead of darkening, seeming like a failed implantation.

I started connecting the dots as I read more.  My late ovulation and long cycles were a sign of this luteal phase defect, as I learned it was called.  But everything I read on the topic talked about people with PCOS or other fertility problems.  Breastfeeding was never mentioned.  So, did I have a fertility problem?  Was force-weaning Liam going to help my fertility at all?

I loved nursing.  Liam loved nursing.  It really did feel cruel to tell him and myself no without any assurance that I was accomplishing anything by it.

So I hit those message boards I told you about earlier and I found one story, only one, that gave me the reinforcement I needed.  I wish I had saved the link but the gist of the story was that a mother had a 3 year old she was still breastfeeding, very sporadically.  She said it wasn't even every day but maybe every other day or so, strictly on demand.  She had been trying to get pregnant for over a year and had talked to her doctor and read everything online like I had done.  Everyone told her that sporadic feeding like that couldn't interfere with fertility.  Since she was in her 30s, she was getting concerned that another baby just wasn't in the cards for her.  She was convinced by others that forcing her son to wean was cruel and selfish so she waited.  Then, he self-weaned randomly and she got pregnant that same month. After nearly a year and a half of trying, she felt it couldn't be coincidence. She wanted to share her story because she too said she had no idea such little breastfeeding could actually serve as birth control.

That month, our 6th month trying, I had a 44 day cycle with ovulation on day 28 or something crazy like that.  I went and talked to my OB who said that with numbers like that, pregnancy was unlikely.

So, I did it.  I stopped nursing my son.  I cried.  He was confused.  My breasts swelled and hardened. I cried from pain and from sadness (and I now know also from hormonal changes). I gave into one last feed to reduce my physical pain to a bearable level and we stopped for good.  I cried some more but remained resolved.  I kept thinking of that woman with the 3 year old and hoping I was like her.  That breastfeeding was birth control for me.  Amazing birth control.

And it was.  I will never know how long that first cycle post-weaning would have been, but I do know that I ovulated around day 14 (yes, textbook perfect ovulation timing).  And now, I am almost 12 weeks pregnant and very happy with our decision to wean.  My son still loves to cuddle with me.  He gets cow's milk before bed.  He has had no increase in sleep disturbances. He is happy and the biggest Momma's boy you've ever seen!

I wish I could go back in time and reassure myself.  Tell myself that something horrible hadn't happened to scar my uterus during delivery or from the Mirena I had for 9 months.  That I wasn't infertile.  But that I just needed to stop my birth control--breastfeeding. To ask around and maybe I'd hear that sometimes breastfeeding is actually amazing birth control.

Because, since I've made this discovery independently, I've heard other stories like mine. My pediatrician/lactation consultant informed me that she could never conceive without weaning either (and she has four kids). She knows others like me as well.  My mom also vaguely remembers my great-grandmother saying that her mom used to breastfeed her kids as long as they were willing simply because the minute she weaned, she was pregnant with the next.  The stories are out there.  They just aren't as vocal as the "I got pregnant while breastfeeding" stories.

So I'm putting my story out there.  I hope it reaches someone who is going through the same thing I went through and that it gives you the courage to ignore all the hatred people express toward weaning to conceive and that you feel empowered to do what you feel is best for your family.  Because I know that regardless of what others may think, that is exactly what I did.  I stopped my birth control so that we could get pregnant and Liam could have a sibling near his age.  That birth control just happened to be endowed upon me for free from Mother Nature.  And what a beautiful birth control it was for those 15 months that I was able to take advantage of it.

Pregnancy Bumpdate: The First Two Months

One of the things I've enjoyed most this pregnancy is looking back on the journal entries I made when I was pregnant with Liam and noting similarities and differences.  I find my entries too sparse and brief in retrospect so I'm going to attempt to do pregnancy updates (bumpdates if you will) like some of my fellow bloggers.  I doubt I could keep up with a weekly one and I also don't think there'd be too much exciting or different to share that often so I've decided on a monthly update.  For now though, I'll roll the first two into one.

This pregnancy is already different in that we're coming into it with a recent miscarriage and months of trying to conceive in between.  In the preceding months, I had taken numerous pregnancy tests and I was down to my last one so I was determined to wait to test until I could know for sure that a negative meant that we were out another month.  On the morning of March 23rd, the day before my period was due, I began to notice that my usual pre-period symptoms were missing.  So, unable to wait any longer, I used that last test, an "internet cheapie" as they are lovingly called and saw this:

Yep, that's the faintest possible shadow of a second purple line. My gut knew it was positive because I had seen a lot of negatives in the last few months.  But my scientific side needed stronger evidence. The hubby saw the line too but agreed that it was definitely questionable. He said waiting a few days then testing again would be best.  I knew he was right, but...Did I mention I'm IMPATIENT?  And that my husband is sweet and understanding?  I lasted until the afternoon then went out and bought a First Response Early Result.  I was nervous when I took it, but that didn't last long thankfully. Pretty much instantly these two beautiful pink lines popped up.

We were both ecstatic and there was some happy dancing involved ;).

With Liam, we waited until I was 6 weeks along to tell our families and 10 weeks (after 2 ultrasounds) to tell the world.  With our miscarriage, we hadn't told anyone and I was about 5 weeks.  It was awful sharing the bad news without ever having a chance to share the good news.  So this time, we told our immediate family the same night we found out.  We Skyped them with Liam wearing his "Keep Calm I'm going to be a big BROTHER" shirt.  It was perfect!

With Liam, miscarriage was a worry but it felt far away like all the other horrible things that can and do happen to people.  This time, the fear was strong and real.  I probably took 6 total pregnancy tests--a poor woman's quantitative hCG test.  I loved watching the test line darken and the control line begin to disappear.  But as such things go, the last one I took, the control line became darker and the test line fainter so I really just gave myself another reason to freak out.

I read things online about other people having similar things happen when hCG levels got high enough.  It's called the "dilution effect", but it really doesn't make a lot of sense to me to this day.  I didn't find it super reassuring as a result.  On top of that, my nausea came and went around that time.  The fainter test plus the disappearing nausea made me worry.  I had a "pregnancy confirmation" on April 9th (the day after the fainter test) and the nurse offered me a quantitative hCG to reassure me. It came back at 40,000 and for 6 weeks that seemed great.  I had my scientific reassurance and I was finally able to push my fears to the back of my mind.

I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and we shared our big news with everyone that same day.

Lots of back story this time since it's the first one but let's get into the bumpdating shall we?

How far along today: 9 weeks+ 5 days

Baby size:  At 9 weeks, the baby was the size of a green olive, approximately 1 inch and growing fast!

Trimester: First and so ready to move onward and upward out of the nausea/exhaustion months!

Gender: No telling yet but I look forward to trying out all of the wives' tales just for fun (I'll do a post on the predictions afterward).  I can see the perks of a brother for Liam and being able to reuse clothes too but I'd love to have tutus and hairbows in our future too.

Movement: None that this Mommy can feel yet but ready to feel something soon.  That is by far my favorite part of pregnancy!

Cravings: Yogurt, ice cream, sour candy, chocolate, and BBQ Lays potato chips (pretty much bad-for-me foods)

Aversions: Pretty much all real food whenever a wave of nausea hits.  Heavy meats seem to settle worst with me.  Korean food (usually my favorite) made me very sick last week.

The Not So Fun Pregnancy Stuff:  Hunger and nausea sometimes simultaneously or rapidly following each other, in no particular order (so confusing!). Gas and bloating was insane at first but seems to be settling down finally.  And unbelievable exhaustion (though the second month was spent in the PICU so that may have something to do with it).  Mood swings are strong and tears seem to be involved more often than not--happy tears, angry tears, sad tears...you name it!

Most exciting moments: Seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat on ultrasound at 8 weeks then finding the heartbeat with my home doppler at 8 weeks + 4 days.

What I'm most looking forward to: The 12 week ultrasound.  I love seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat but I'm also excited to try out a few gender wives' tales for fun (more on that later) ;).

Big Brother: We don't think he has any idea yet and it's kind of fun to see him smiling in his big brother shirt knowing that the significance is lost on him.  He has been very very clingy this last week though so a part of me wonders if he somehow knows more than we think!

Picture:  No bump to show off yet and I'll spare you my bloat but I'll start those next month!  I'll share our first ultrasound picture instead. It's a camera phone snapshot of the screen but it's baby's first picture!

I'd like send a special thank you to Alli at Beautiful Family Affairs for the inspiration of these posts!

20 Life Lessons I Discovered in the Dark

So, for those of you who may have missed it, Georgia has had two snow and ice storms this winter (that groundhog knew his stuff this year!). Atlanta seemed to have the worst time of it during the first go-around but Augusta was hit pretty badly with the second storm. The second storm was mostly ice and was much worse than the first for us in the eastern part of the state because of the damage it caused.  There were tens of thousands of people without power for days. Trees littered the streets (and still are piled high in yards waiting for the county's promised free disposal). Ice and snow pretty much never happen down here in Augusta, especially not to the extent it did this time.  In fact, the closest thing we get to something resembling a natural disaster are bad thunderstorms (not impressed? you shouldn't be...).  As a result, our trees are never pruned by Mother Nature. So the ice surprised them as much as it did us humans. Here's some images of the chaos that ensued.

Down Town Augusta even had trees uprooted

Walton Way in Augusta, GA

My little family was without power for 48 hours before we decided to give up the pioneer life of chopping firewood and boiling water in the fireplace and turn tail and run (to my parents of course and just in time to miss the next thing thrown at Augusta...an earthquake!). But not before I learned some great life lessons.  I thought I'd share them here with you:

1. Your hand goes instinctively to the light switch when you enter a dark room, even on your second day into knowing that nothing is going to happen when you flip the switch.
2.  You think that it's hard to find the random things your toddler hides from you when you have power?  I'm here to tell you, it is impossible to find something like a bath tub stopper that your child crawled away with when all you have is a flashlight (even if it is an industrial one).  You might as well get creative and use something else to plug the tub!
3. My husband can actually get tired of splitting wood and starting fires! (I never thought this would happen! Not until pigs fly and the moon turns blue.)
4.  You still have hot water if your boiler runs on natural gas.  This seems like an obvious fact, but it felt like an amazing gift when I was soaking in a tub of hot water after shivering all day!
5.  Mens' socks work as DIY babylegs.  Just cut the end off for little feet to slide through and voila! another layer to keep your baby from freezing. (You may want consent before you cut....oops!)
6.  People always talk about disposables having the drawback that you can run out and have to run to the store...well, with no power, the cloth diaper stash started running low.  Forget the milk and bread and buy some disposable diapers when a storm is headed your way!
7. When there is no power, the warmest place in the house is by the fire.  So, this naturally becomes your living room, kitchen, baby room, etc.  And the changing pad belongs on the coffee table right in front of the fire, of course.  Coziest changing table on earth!
8.  My son refuses lukewarm formula (he spews it from his mouth! Well, that may be a little dramatic but he wouldn't drink much).  Even boiler warm water is not adequate.  He likes his milk hot!
9.  On that vein, you can actually boil water by placing a pot near the fire in the fireplace.  We have a metal ledge around the edge so this may have helped by heating the pot from below too. (And the plastic lid handle never melted, thankfully!)
10. Chinese restaurants are always open.  Always.  They will find a way to have power and open even when nothing else is open.
11.  Nothing tastes better when you are cold and it is dark, than hot anything.  Hot chocolate, Chinese take-out, soup, s'mores... we tried it all and loved it all.  Every single bite and sip. (See #9 and 10 for how to obtain these wonderful things.)
12.  USPS actually does deliver in rain, snow, sleet, and ice.  These four situations are ones I have personally witnessed.  Liam's Valentines Day diaper's arrival was even more exciting in the midst of nothing else to be too excited about.
13. Duck down blankets are a must for survival planning for a home.  It actually feels like you have the heater on full blast when you're under that thing and you fall asleep so easily after shivering all day because you just feel warmth hugging you all over.
14.  My cats fear my son more than cold.  They chose to spend the majority of his waking hours in the coldest room in the house (safely on the other side of the baby gate) to avoid him, far away from the warmth of the fire.
15.  Back-up power supplies are not meant to run space heaters, even for a minute. They make a horrific noise because the circuit is instantaneously overloaded.  Honestly, they are useless in a power outage that lasts more than a few seconds.
16.  More of your neighbors have generators than you may think.  (Really.  Mine do and this is hardly a rich neighborhood.)
17. When all else fails, run home to your parents.  (This is a great life lesson in general!)
18.  Georgia weather is like a pregnant woman's mood swings...it can actually be in the 80s the week after a crazy ice storm. (It really was.)
19. Sago palms do not like ice storms.
20. Baby gear for really cold weather is adorable!

Not So Picture Perfect

This is our family picture for our Christmas card this year.  We look happy, smiley, together, and in my opinion, the cutest little family I have ever seen. I love this picture!  Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with the two best guys out there!  But, believe me, we are in no way as perfect as this picture seems to suggest.  Last night reminds me of the truth that we never know what lies behind the pictures we see on blogs and social media.  People aren't as picture perfect as they seem so there's no use feeling like you don't measure up!

I was thinking about this as my husband and I tried to address and stuff the almost 30 Christmas cards of this picture to our friends and family (and this was the shortened list because I knew this would be no easy task).  My husband, always the letter writer in the family, was meanwhile hand-writing short notes to each of his aunts and uncles.  It sounds like a magical night during the Christmas season.  Mommy, Daddy, baby boy and holiday traditions (and don't forget the beautiful picture on the cards!).

In actuality, the scene was anything but picture perfect.

My son, in between pulling my hair and attempting to prevent me completely from writing, scattered an entire bag of Christmas candy across the living room and threw each and every item (envelopes, cards, paper, stamps, return address labels, my list) from the coffee table to the floor (multiple times).  Every few seconds my husband or I seemed to throw out a half-hearted "don't eat that!" "that's not yours, Liam; put it back" "there's no reason to whine" "play with one of your toys" or "let Mommy write, PLEASE."

We barely managed to address and label 3/4 of them (which became my goal for the night part-way through because one can only handle so much crying!).  There was no drool or serious folds in any of them (who knew that could feel like such an accomplishment?). Liam had multiple tantrums/crying fits and there was snot running down his face by the end of it.

I really wish I had a picture of our living room and his face.  It was in stark contrast to the pictures we sent out today, but, you know what?  I wish I had a picture not only because it would be fun to share it with you, but also because that is a memory I know I will cherish (and laugh about) someday with my husband.  "Remember that time when Liam was one and we tried to get our Christmas cards together just a bit too close to his bedtime?"

That memory isn't quite as pretty as the card we sent out, but isn't real life better anyway?

This hits home for me because I often find myself comparing myself to other moms.  Craftier moms, ones that make pancakes in the shape of snowmen and a sandwich that looks like Rudolf.  But, you know what?  There's more to every story than what we see on blogs, Facebook, and Pinterest.  We don't know what's behind all those pictures.

I want to challenge us mothers to be real with each other. That's how we can best help each other through this crazy beautiful mess called motherhood.

Parenting is messy, stinky, slobbery, urine-soaked, snot-covered, and in general, just not picture perfect.  But it is beautiful, fulfilling, heart-warming, love-filled, kiss-covered, and snuggly.  Now, tell me, what could be better than reality???

You're Doing Better Than You Think, Mama

I'm not patient enough.  I don't take enough time away from things that need to be done to play with my son.  I get annoyed by his whining when I'm tired.  I don't read him enough books.  I choose sleep over spending time with him sometimes.  I have to ignore him and do school work.  I've even told him to "shut up" once: I was on night shift and slept less than 4 hours a night and would get up with him the next morning.  I said it because he would NOT stop whining and screaming and I had no energy to be patient.  I sent him to daycare after giving him Tylenol when I wasn't sure he was completely over his cold because I couldn't miss another day at the hospital.  I've gone back to sleep after muting my son's monitor when he was crying because I just could not will my body out of bed.

I struggle with these guilty thoughts and others.  I feel like a failure as a Mom some days, sometimes many days.  I look on Facebook and other blogs and see other mothers who make homemade Halloween costumes, decorate their houses for each season, have spotless homes, home school, are constantly crafting, and have beautiful smiling children clinging to them and I don't feel like I measure up.

But then there are videos like this.  I realize other Moms often struggle with feelings of inadequacy too.  That it's natural to not feel like you measure up, because this job we are entrusted with is BIG.  It's a precious life that we are raising.  It's ok to feel like this because we love our children so much that we want perfection for them and we are far from perfection.  We are human and can only give so much. 

But perfection is NOT what our children need.  This video reminded me of that.  They need us.  Our best.  Our love.  Our example of how an imperfect person can be used to do wonderful things. They see our efforts.  The struggles.  The love. 

 

This video made me cry.  Hard.

My son can't talk yet like the kids in the video but I hear him.  He's telling me I must be doing something right.  He knows how much I love him.  He remembers all the long nights that I've spent rocking him and nursing him.  How that usually I'm the first to come to him when he needs someone.  How I can't put him down after he falls asleep in my arms because he is just too beautiful and I love holding him so much that my own sleep is not so important as a few more minutes snuggling with my sleeping angel.  How I'll put his needs above mine each and every day.  How holding him and kissing him is one of my favorite things in the world.  How I'll do silly things to make him giggle...over and over again.  How I crawl around on the floor playing with him when I get home after work.  He sees how he is my world and that I would do anything for him.

My son is a Momma's boy.  Just now, his daddy was saying he'd show me a cool trick.  As Daddy held him and spun around with my son in his arms, my son's gaze stayed fixed on me.  He would turn his head toward me no matter which way his daddy turned him.  He squeals when he sees me.  He cries when someone else takes him from my arms.  He gives me big wet kisses and sweet hugs when I come home and randomly throughout the day even when I've been home with him all day.  His first word was "Mama."  I can dry his tears by just picking him up and cuddling him.  And sometimes, no one else but Mommy will do.

 

He is well taken care of and so so loved.  So what if I'm not perfect?!  I'm his Mommy.  And I'll keep trying to be the best Mommy I can be. And that is the best gift I could ever give him.

 

So how about some confidence Mamas?  You're doing better than you think!  Grab a Kleenex and watch this video.  It's a great reminder.

How Motherhood Changed Me

Having a baby...it opens something inside of you.  It's almost like the world splits in two, you're so open.  All different sorts of things can rush inside of you, can fill you up.  Some women fill with sadness...it's hard to explain. Loving something so much--you're not prepared.  It's so big, so ancient and animal.  It's terrifying...It can make you feel crazy.
                                                                           ~The God of Animals by Aryn Kyle

Before I had a baby, I was a type-A student.  In high school, I actually read textbooks and studied.  I was that annoying kid that would ruin the curve.  I didn't feel satisfied with getting all A's.  I wanted all A+'s.  (I swear I wasn't a pompous jerk...I was never in your face.  My parents are first generation immigrants so the pressure to achieve was very strong.) And, I was blessed with a brain that had the capacity to learn and a thirst for knowledge so A+'s was what I got.  In high school and college.  Medical school wasn't much different.  There were no A+'s but despite all the terrifying introductory speeches about all of us formerly being the upper crust and how that would no longer be possible, I did it again.  Top student in a few subjects and top quartile overall.  This was what I had been raised to view as success.  I was on track.  My parents were proud, my teachers were happy, and I felt accomplishment and pride in my hard work.

Then, my world shifted.  I was pregnant.

My husband and I wanted kids (a big family at that!)  but the timing was not perfect.  I was in my second year of medical school.  And if you know anything about medical school, you know that the most demanding year as far as hours spent away from home is 3rd year.  I boarded the roller coaster we call pregnancy hormones at this point.  I was up, elated about the thought of a life created by me and the love of my life growing inside of me.  Then I was down, questioning my very ability to be a mother, fearing pregnancy and labor then sleepless nights and active toddler years.... all in the face of the hard months I knew would come before and after my baby's birth.  I also feared losing all of my hard work, of failing, of quitting, of falling off track.

But then time flew (although when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I would have said time crawled at a snail's pace).  As I began to feel my precious child move inside of me, I bonded in a way that I will never be able to do justice with words.  That baby became my focus.  I spent nights and study breaks organizing, dreaming, decorating, and picking out outfits for the hospital.  I still worked hard during the days (night shifts too) but my heart and focus were already shifting.

Then on a beautiful day in October, my world shifted even further.  The most beautiful (and very loud) baby boy was placed in my arms.  I was a mommy.

This tiny person became the center of my world.

The next days were a blur.  Someday I'll write about all the craziness that went on the week after he was born, but to fast-forward a bit, I spent two months at home, each day fearing how quickly the days were passing.  I dreaded January and starting back to my rotations like nothing I had ever dreaded before (I was one of those kids that actually looked forward to going back to school after long summer breaks.  Not that I didn't love summer but there's always excitement in a change of pace and seeing friends,etc.).

I knew leaving my baby would be hard.  But I didn't know how hard.  I don't remember silly details of that first morning but I will never forget how I felt.  I felt like my world was caving in.  Like I was trapped in some horror movie.  My mom stayed with us the first week and a half so it wasn't that I feared my baby wasn't being taken care of...it was that he wasn't with me.  That base, animal instinct the author refers to in the quote above.  She describes it in horses separated from their foals later in the book:

    After we separated the foals from their mothers, we all stood around, watching their grief.  They screamed and rammed their chests into the fence, running circles in the little pen, colliding with one another in clouds of dust.  Their heads lifted, crying thin, anguished whinnies, slicing the air with their pain...there was nothing {we} could do to make it easier.

I needed to have my baby with me.  The separation felt like torture.   Nothing seemed important in comparison.

I have never been a big crier.  Until I became a working mommy.  I cried on my way to the hospital  every morning for over a month.  And most mornings for months after that.  I lashed out at everyone around me.  Like a wounded animal.  Especially at my husband.  For his love, I am eternally grateful.  His patience seemed boundless at times.  The hugs, the back rubs, the encouraging words...all despite my lashing.  I cried, I screamed.  I claimed that I was being tortured.  I can't imagine what he thought but I honestly was too wounded to care.

I hurt. But who was torturing me? My attendings?  No, they were only pushing me to excellence in a field that deserves nothing less.  My husband?  No, he was my greatest ally.  He was encouraging me so that I could go on not because he was forcing me to continue.  My parents?  While they would have been disappointed if I quit and the pressure to continue was undoubtedly great, I could not blame them.  Then who?  God? No! Even worse, it was a torment of my own devices.

My husband was right (of course).  I had signed on for medicine.  I had wanted a baby during school (granted we were a year early but it really wouldn't be much different intern year). Me.  I wanted all of this.

 That's when I had the greatest realization of all.

I had changed.  Me.  I was different. As a mother, my rosy image of finishing school and working part time once I finished residency had a big flaw.  I had to sacrifice about 5 years of my children's lives.  I would miss out.  And it wasn't until I became a mother that I understood what a great sacrifice that truly would be.  I wouldn't be there to see all the firsts.  These would be reported to me by someone else.  I wouldn't be the primary care giver.  I wouldn't know what soothed my child best, what he ate for lunch (unless I asked), what times he napped, or even what kind of day he had.  All I had was crappy second-hand reports.  I missed the smiles and the coos and the cuddles.  I wanted those.  I wanted them more than what I was spending my days doing.

But I felt stuck.  Expectations (of me, my colleagues, my school, my family) surrounded me.  To quit would waste the time I'd already sacrificed and that was unthinkable.  It was not something I could live with.  So what to do?

After a half a year of torment, I took the boldest step I've taken my entire life.  I stepped off the path.  I decided not to enter residency immediately after I graduate next year.  I am taking a year off.  And for once in my life, that's all I know.  I don't know what lies beyond that...residency?  working from home?  just being a mommy?  I don't know.

But I do know that I get at least a year as a stay-at-home mom.  And I need that.  I need to find myself.  My new self.  My mommy self.  I know she has been in torment these last 12 months.  She deserves a chance to speak.  I need the time to listen.  I don't know what my path will be but I do know that I deserve to find it.

I Am Surviving and Somehow Maybe Even Thriving

I was asked to write an essay about myself for an honor society recently. I think it explains how I feel on days where I can look back and feel a sense of pride and success over the past 3 and 1/2 years of medical school and last 1 year of motherhood. I thought I would share it as my first post so that on days when I am feeling like a failure, I can remind myself that I have done the best I can.  And honestly, that best is pretty darn good.

Here it is:

"I am a senior medical student who has made all A’s and two B’s thus far.  And I am graduating with my class in May 2014. This may seem like an obvious statement, but for me, it is not so obvious.  You see, my medical school journey has been somewhat different than what many would consider ideal.  In my second year, I discovered that I was pregnant.  Originally, I was overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty.  Medical school was challenging and time consuming enough without adding another generous helping of responsibility to the mix.  However, looking back, I see things differently now.  I cannot even begin to explain how my precious surprise has enriched both my life and medical practice.

As a future pediatrician, being a mother has provided continual and invaluable lessons on parental perspective.   I understand more than what a book explains or what observing other caregivers can teach a student about the incredible journey of raising a child.  This knowledge has affected my ability to see humanity in all of my patients.  I was surprised that I began seeing how everyone is or was at some point someone’s beloved child or mother/father, etc.

I admit it.  Motherhood has softened me.  Some would view this as weakness, but I feel it is an immeasurable strength.  My capacity for empathy has grown three sizes, along with my heart.
 

 As a medical student who was breastfeeding during clinical rotations, I learned time management even more so, I believe, than most of my classmates.  I had to be better, faster, and more efficient in order to make up for the time I spent away from the group while pumping.  At home, my studying became more efficient and focused as I learned to split my time between family and work.  I slept even less than my colleagues because I had a small infant consuming part of the very little sleep time we were afforded. 

The journey was difficult and there were times I doubted my capabilities.  These were times when my juggling act felt as if it were more than I could handle.  More than my human self that needed to eat, sleep, and have time to unwind, could emotionally survive.  Not only did I survive, but I believe I have thrived.  Becoming a mother in medicine has shown me a capacity to be more than I ever imagined. I have learned what it is to have to focus on more than just my medical career yet excel in it, regardless.  Perhaps I could have had better grades or higher scores and better reviews but I am proud of both my medical career and my family.  I have truly given my all in both areas. 

 

So, let me end by saying it again so that you can understand my meaning better.  I am a senior medical student who has made all A’s and two B’s thus far.  And I am graduating with my class in May 2014."