Baby #2 Bumpdate: The Fourth Month

This last month has been a crazy one!  We moved to a new house, Liam and I traveled to Hungary with my mom to see family, the hubby was away at annual training, and he came back to firefighting with lots of overtime and starting a second job for the summer.  I'm looking forward to the two vacations we have coming up: one is a long-overdue hubby-and-me romantic getaway and the other is a family vacation.  We haven't been out alone together for longer than few hours since Liam was born (and rarely at that) so it will be very refreshing to have five whole days together, a much needed time to catch-up and regroup as we get ready for more big changes ahead for our little family.

Second trimester is treating me more kindly, thankfully.  I'm in the second trimester bliss of little-to-no symptoms.  I read a post on Facebook the other day that described the trimesters of pregnancy as:
1. Sick and tired
2. Aww...the baby is kicking!
3. Get this baby outta me!!!

This seems to sum my thoughts up pretty perfectly.  I'm in the happy "the baby is kicking" stage :).  I guess I'm not alone in this being my favorite trimester.  If only my energy were higher... Moving boxes and unpacking and painting and especially toddler chasing/wrangling/toting  is exhausting! 

How far along today: 19 weeks + 2 days

Baby size:  At 19 weeks, baby was the size of a mango, approximately 6 inches long and 0.5 lbs.  This little one seems to be measuring a week ahead so far, though.

Trimester: Second trimester bliss.  Other than the continued lack of energy, I'm definitely in the sweet spot of pregnancy.  I'm not so big as to be uncomfortable, starting to show more (though people still seem to have no idea I'm pregnant until I tell them), and able to eat A LOT (which is a blessing and a curse).

Gender: As I announced in my Gender Reveal Post, it's a BOY!  I'm excited that Liam will have a little brother close in age.  I always wanted a sister near my age when I was a kid.  I hope Liam enjoys his "built-in best friend" and that the boys are close their entire lives.

Name: We have a name!  Almost...  We were 100% sure about it then I started to hesitate (it's always me that's unsure, of course).  Probably just goes along with being so emotional, hormonal and, well, pregnant.  I will do a post announcing the name as soon as we are sure for sure :).

Movement: I started feeling very distinct movement when I lay down at night at 15 weeks (it was 17 weeks with Liam so that was exciting!).  By 16 weeks, I could feel baby boy moving when I was sitting still during the day too.  The first daytime movement I felt was actually on the airplane home from Hungary.  Those twinges from tiny limbs grazing my uterus as well as the sensation of him tumbling was so wonderful to finally feel! And they are getting stronger every week.  It feels like anything from what I would describe as something akin to muscle twitches to little pokes.  I'm loving it! (Although he seems to be most active at night...which is not helping my insomnia troubles. But I do get some special time to think about and bond with this newest little man in my life.)

Cravings: Oh man, can I eat!  And I am very easily influenced by pictures and people talking about food.  It's like something clicks in my brain and it says "I gotta have THAT!"  But as far as specific things that are frequent cravings: sour candy is still a big thing, the newest is honey butter, grapefruits, white peaches, fruit in general, and chocolate cake.

Aversions: These seem to have toned down a lot.  Some seafood (not all types like during first trimester) still seems to turn on my gag reflex and I can't swallow.  It's a lot less extreme now though because the smell alone doesn't bother me as much.  

Some cleaning products make me sneeze and my eyes water that never bothered me before.  I wasn't even using them.  I was in the next room so it seemed kind of dramatic and definitely out of the norm for me.

The Not So Fun Pregnancy Stuff: Thankfully the daily nausea is a thing of the past now.  My morning sickness went away at 14 weeks (lasting just one week longer than with Liam). I do get a wave of nausea randomly sometimes but it's so much weaker and lasts such a short time that I'll go ahead and say it is not morning sickness anymore.  I haven't needed Zofran since 14 weeks.  Unfortunately, I did still have morning sickness while we were moving so there were some unhappy times spent over the toilet.  I think sheer exhaustion makes morning sickness worse.  It faded once life settled down a little.

I'm really thirsty during the day and night and I seem to get dehydrated easily, but it is summer in the South.  Braxton-Hicks are often my warning that I'm low on my fluid intake (my OB taught me to heed this during my first pregnancy).  I also pay attention to urine color (sorry for the TMI) thanks to my Soldier/firefighter husband's training.  But sometimes I still don't drink enough and end up feeling faint.  I've learned that it's just time to sit down and drink lots of water and it'll fade.

I still cry really easily. I'm not sure that'll change anytime soon, but my poor hubby sometimes is very confused when happy things make me sob...

Insomnia is a big struggle right now.  I'm not big yet but it still seems hard to get comfortable at night.  My breasts are sore and I like to lay on my stomach but my uterus is starting to feel like I'm laying on a hard ball.  My brain also won't slow down!  There is too much to think about and in the stillness, all the thoughts come rushing in. Figuring out exactly how to expand our cloth diaper stash as well as how to set up the two rooms for the boys has been a recent obsession.

Most exciting moments: Feeling those first tumbling movements and tiny twitch-like sensations of little man brushing the inside of my uterus have to rank as the #1 most exciting moments.  I remember laying awake trying to decide if what I felt was the baby for sure until one night there was no doubt!  I treasure those moments of stillness so much.  I try and picture what the little guy is doing, talk to him if I'm alone, and try to feel him with my hand from the outside.

Finding out the gender for sure was also exciting!  It was so different than with Liam.  We found out that baby #2 was likely a boy for the first time at 12 weeks + 3 days!  I wasn't even really ready to know.  With Liam, I was dying of impatience by the time we found out at 17 weeks.  However, since it was so early this time, it wasn't for sure and we waited before we got completely set on the gender.  My OB confirmed that it is a boy at my 17 week check up.  It took her about 10 seconds to find his "goods".  She tried to see Liam's gender too around 16 weeks but he was always curled up in a ball with his ankles crossed, hands on thighs.  Baby boy #2 likes to "let it all hang out" it seems.  We're already prepared for a completely different personality with this little guy.  It's amazing how different he's acted than his big brother already!

What I'm most looking forward to: I can't wait to settle on a name and share it with everyone!  I'm also really looking forward to the anatomy ultrasound that we'll have at 21 weeks.  I'm hoping to hear the best and most important news: that this little guy is perfectly healthy!  It'll be nice to see him in action again and see how much he's grown.  I'm also curious if he's still measuring big (even my uterus measured a week bigger at my last appointment!).  It surprises me because Liam always measured small and neither the hubs nor I are exactly big people.

I'm also really looking forward to having the hubby feel this little guy moving around.  He's so much more active than Liam was so I'm hoping that he will be able to feel the kicks sooner.  Liam is our stubborn one.  He would stop moving as soon as his Daddy put his hand on my belly.  It was very frustrating.  The hubs felt a hard knob of a foot or bottom or skull but not really much kicking.

Big Brother: Liam really enjoyed himself in Hungary with my cousins' kids.  There were 7 kids, with the youngest being only a year older than Liam.  There was a lot of competitiveness but they also had a lot of fun. His vocabulary really started taking off while we were there so he picked up a lot of Hungarian words (and even a few German ones).  It's so fun to hear him talk.  He repeats everything we say now though so we have to be careful!  

I've explained to him that there is a baby in my tummy.  I think I may have confused him though because he proudly points to his, mine, or even his dad's belly button and announces "baba" (baby in Hungarian).  We're still working on explaining the concept that the baby is only in my belly ;).

Our plans for his big boy room are shaping up.  We're going with a space/Mickey Mouse theme.  I've already ordered his curtains, bought a planet projection night light, and he has a fan that matches the theme.  We've decided to go with a toddler bed and it will probably be a Mickey Mouse one.  I'm hoping he is excited about his new room and fun new bed and that he transitions smoothly.  I'm pretty nervous about the freedom to roam that he will have and worry that he will develop sleep problems.

Liam has grown up so much in the last few months I can barely keep up!  I'm trying to get in extra cuddles and rocking before he doesn't want those things at all anymore and before little brother arrives and we all have to find our new norm.

How Motherhood Changed Me

Having a baby...it opens something inside of you.  It's almost like the world splits in two, you're so open.  All different sorts of things can rush inside of you, can fill you up.  Some women fill with sadness...it's hard to explain. Loving something so much--you're not prepared.  It's so big, so ancient and animal.  It's terrifying...It can make you feel crazy.
                                                                           ~The God of Animals by Aryn Kyle

Before I had a baby, I was a type-A student.  In high school, I actually read textbooks and studied.  I was that annoying kid that would ruin the curve.  I didn't feel satisfied with getting all A's.  I wanted all A+'s.  (I swear I wasn't a pompous jerk...I was never in your face.  My parents are first generation immigrants so the pressure to achieve was very strong.) And, I was blessed with a brain that had the capacity to learn and a thirst for knowledge so A+'s was what I got.  In high school and college.  Medical school wasn't much different.  There were no A+'s but despite all the terrifying introductory speeches about all of us formerly being the upper crust and how that would no longer be possible, I did it again.  Top student in a few subjects and top quartile overall.  This was what I had been raised to view as success.  I was on track.  My parents were proud, my teachers were happy, and I felt accomplishment and pride in my hard work.

Then, my world shifted.  I was pregnant.

My husband and I wanted kids (a big family at that!)  but the timing was not perfect.  I was in my second year of medical school.  And if you know anything about medical school, you know that the most demanding year as far as hours spent away from home is 3rd year.  I boarded the roller coaster we call pregnancy hormones at this point.  I was up, elated about the thought of a life created by me and the love of my life growing inside of me.  Then I was down, questioning my very ability to be a mother, fearing pregnancy and labor then sleepless nights and active toddler years.... all in the face of the hard months I knew would come before and after my baby's birth.  I also feared losing all of my hard work, of failing, of quitting, of falling off track.

But then time flew (although when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I would have said time crawled at a snail's pace).  As I began to feel my precious child move inside of me, I bonded in a way that I will never be able to do justice with words.  That baby became my focus.  I spent nights and study breaks organizing, dreaming, decorating, and picking out outfits for the hospital.  I still worked hard during the days (night shifts too) but my heart and focus were already shifting.

Then on a beautiful day in October, my world shifted even further.  The most beautiful (and very loud) baby boy was placed in my arms.  I was a mommy.

This tiny person became the center of my world.

The next days were a blur.  Someday I'll write about all the craziness that went on the week after he was born, but to fast-forward a bit, I spent two months at home, each day fearing how quickly the days were passing.  I dreaded January and starting back to my rotations like nothing I had ever dreaded before (I was one of those kids that actually looked forward to going back to school after long summer breaks.  Not that I didn't love summer but there's always excitement in a change of pace and seeing friends,etc.).

I knew leaving my baby would be hard.  But I didn't know how hard.  I don't remember silly details of that first morning but I will never forget how I felt.  I felt like my world was caving in.  Like I was trapped in some horror movie.  My mom stayed with us the first week and a half so it wasn't that I feared my baby wasn't being taken care of...it was that he wasn't with me.  That base, animal instinct the author refers to in the quote above.  She describes it in horses separated from their foals later in the book:

    After we separated the foals from their mothers, we all stood around, watching their grief.  They screamed and rammed their chests into the fence, running circles in the little pen, colliding with one another in clouds of dust.  Their heads lifted, crying thin, anguished whinnies, slicing the air with their pain...there was nothing {we} could do to make it easier.

I needed to have my baby with me.  The separation felt like torture.   Nothing seemed important in comparison.

I have never been a big crier.  Until I became a working mommy.  I cried on my way to the hospital  every morning for over a month.  And most mornings for months after that.  I lashed out at everyone around me.  Like a wounded animal.  Especially at my husband.  For his love, I am eternally grateful.  His patience seemed boundless at times.  The hugs, the back rubs, the encouraging words...all despite my lashing.  I cried, I screamed.  I claimed that I was being tortured.  I can't imagine what he thought but I honestly was too wounded to care.

I hurt. But who was torturing me? My attendings?  No, they were only pushing me to excellence in a field that deserves nothing less.  My husband?  No, he was my greatest ally.  He was encouraging me so that I could go on not because he was forcing me to continue.  My parents?  While they would have been disappointed if I quit and the pressure to continue was undoubtedly great, I could not blame them.  Then who?  God? No! Even worse, it was a torment of my own devices.

My husband was right (of course).  I had signed on for medicine.  I had wanted a baby during school (granted we were a year early but it really wouldn't be much different intern year). Me.  I wanted all of this.

 That's when I had the greatest realization of all.

I had changed.  Me.  I was different. As a mother, my rosy image of finishing school and working part time once I finished residency had a big flaw.  I had to sacrifice about 5 years of my children's lives.  I would miss out.  And it wasn't until I became a mother that I understood what a great sacrifice that truly would be.  I wouldn't be there to see all the firsts.  These would be reported to me by someone else.  I wouldn't be the primary care giver.  I wouldn't know what soothed my child best, what he ate for lunch (unless I asked), what times he napped, or even what kind of day he had.  All I had was crappy second-hand reports.  I missed the smiles and the coos and the cuddles.  I wanted those.  I wanted them more than what I was spending my days doing.

But I felt stuck.  Expectations (of me, my colleagues, my school, my family) surrounded me.  To quit would waste the time I'd already sacrificed and that was unthinkable.  It was not something I could live with.  So what to do?

After a half a year of torment, I took the boldest step I've taken my entire life.  I stepped off the path.  I decided not to enter residency immediately after I graduate next year.  I am taking a year off.  And for once in my life, that's all I know.  I don't know what lies beyond that...residency?  working from home?  just being a mommy?  I don't know.

But I do know that I get at least a year as a stay-at-home mom.  And I need that.  I need to find myself.  My new self.  My mommy self.  I know she has been in torment these last 12 months.  She deserves a chance to speak.  I need the time to listen.  I don't know what my path will be but I do know that I deserve to find it.