I'm not patient enough. I don't take enough time away from things that need to be done to play with my son. I get annoyed by his whining when I'm tired. I don't read him enough books. I choose sleep over spending time with him sometimes. I have to ignore him and do school work. I've even told him to "shut up" once: I was on night shift and slept less than 4 hours a night and would get up with him the next morning. I said it because he would NOT stop whining and screaming and I had no energy to be patient. I sent him to daycare after giving him Tylenol when I wasn't sure he was completely over his cold because I couldn't miss another day at the hospital. I've gone back to sleep after muting my son's monitor when he was crying because I just could not will my body out of bed.
I struggle with these guilty thoughts and others. I feel like a failure as a Mom some days, sometimes many days. I look on Facebook and other blogs and see other mothers who make homemade Halloween costumes, decorate their houses for each season, have spotless homes, home school, are constantly crafting, and have beautiful smiling children clinging to them and I don't feel like I measure up.
But then there are videos like this. I realize other Moms often struggle with feelings of inadequacy too. That it's natural to not feel like you measure up, because this job we are entrusted with is BIG. It's a precious life that we are raising. It's ok to feel like this because we love our children so much that we want perfection for them and we are far from perfection. We are human and can only give so much.
But perfection is NOT what our children need. This video reminded me of that. They need us. Our best. Our love. Our example of how an imperfect person can be used to do wonderful things. They see our efforts. The struggles. The love.
This video made me cry. Hard.
My son can't talk yet like the kids in the video but I hear him. He's telling me I must be doing something right. He knows how much I love him. He remembers all the long nights that I've spent rocking him and nursing him. How that usually I'm the first to come to him when he needs someone. How I can't put him down after he falls asleep in my arms because he is just too beautiful and I love holding him so much that my own sleep is not so important as a few more minutes snuggling with my sleeping angel. How I'll put his needs above mine each and every day. How holding him and kissing him is one of my favorite things in the world. How I'll do silly things to make him giggle...over and over again. How I crawl around on the floor playing with him when I get home after work. He sees how he is my world and that I would do anything for him.
My son is a Momma's boy. Just now, his daddy was saying he'd show me a cool trick. As Daddy held him and spun around with my son in his arms, my son's gaze stayed fixed on me. He would turn his head toward me no matter which way his daddy turned him. He squeals when he sees me. He cries when someone else takes him from my arms. He gives me big wet kisses and sweet hugs when I come home and randomly throughout the day even when I've been home with him all day. His first word was "Mama." I can dry his tears by just picking him up and cuddling him. And sometimes, no one else but Mommy will do.
He is well taken care of and so so loved. So what if I'm not perfect?! I'm his Mommy. And I'll keep trying to be the best Mommy I can be. And that is the best gift I could ever give him.
So how about some confidence Mamas? You're doing better than you think! Grab a Kleenex and watch this video. It's a great reminder.